Football Study Hall for the Uneducated Fan

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So you put off getting into the NFL for another season, and now the Super Bowl is coming up this weekend. Like the people who only go to church on Easter, it’s the one Sunday a year when you have to pretend you understand what’s happening. It’s time to study up; you don’t want to embarrass yourself in front of everybody at the your not-officially-endorsed-by-the-NFL-so-you’re-not-legally-allowed-to-call-it-a Super Bowl party this weekend.

If someone yells:

NOT AGAIN!

You can respond (one of the following):

UGHH!!!

Applies to most situations. Match the emotions of those around you and you can cloak your lack of knowledge. But if you have to get specific, try these.

I know, where’s David Tyree!?

Why? David Tyree made one of the most historic catches in Super Bowl history a few years ago when the Giants beat the Patriots. A catch against his helmet helped lead to one of the biggest upsets in NFL history.

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It’s like Tiki Barber is in here!

This is appropriate after a fumble. Tiki Barber, former Giants running back, was a notorious fumbler. You may also yell this if Ronde Barber, Tiki’s brother, is at your Super Bowl party. It will be a lot like Tiki is there.

Hope Mallett is the next Cassel!

If Tom Brady is injured, his backup, former Arkansas QB Ryan Mallett will have to play. Last time Brady went down, backup Matt Cassel kickstarted his career with a nice regular season.

If someone yells:

Someone had to replace Plaxico!

You can respond with:

Now he’s got a shooter’s chance!

This is really going for it all, as far as responses go. Former Giant Plaxico Burress shot himself in the leg at a nightclub in New York. So, apply this situation if a Giants’ wide receiver makes a leaping catch in the end zone to get them to exactly eight points from tying the Patriots in the fourth quarter.

If someone mumbles:

Boston versus New York is getting so old.

You can reply:

Yeah, f***ing Yankees, right?

Or the more eloquent:

Well, parity is actually growing in the NFL. Before this year, the NFC had been represented by 11 different teams the past 11 years. That type of parity is hard to come by. The talent pool is being spread amongst the league, arguably, better than ever before. And the 49ers are a new emerging team to look forward to, as well as young teams like the Lions, Panthers, Chiefs and Broncos.

Just memorize this; don’t try and understand it.

And, in case none of the previous come up in general conversation, here are some throwaway phrases you can tryout. Just avoid conversing about them, so perhaps get up and leave the room for another beer as you say…

· Gronk’s ankle looks alright.
· All of this is happening in Peyton’s house? Weird.
· Is Pawn Stars on?
· Do hope the commercials aren’t trite this year, old chap! (note: this only works if you’re English.)
· A win would cement Brady’s legacy as a top four ever.
· No way Welker leaves after this year.
· I’m drunk.

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That should get you through the evening. When in doubt, fall back to praising/cursing David Tyree as your party’s allegiances permit.

Read Kyle’s defense of Tim Tebow, or browse his other sport and movie articles. And get hourly doses of his humor on Twitter @KyleAyers.